Fall 2005 Empathic Discipline Newsletter

Issue 5, Fall ‘05

Happy Fall!! Please feel free to share this newsletter with others. (Just include the copyright info at end).

CONTENTS

Quote of the Month

Food for Thought

Parenting Tool

Book Review

Announcements

Local Events

Links and Resources

Administrivia

QUOTE OF THE MONTH

“Never do to yourself what you would never do to your child.” — Martha Beck

FOOD FOR THOUGHT - “The Way They Are”

Many of my clients have children that just seem a bit “more… (spirited, sensitive, challenging, energetic, etc). I have one myself. Loving and wonderful but also exhausting and challenging, these children often draw parents into empathic discipline and yet they also often lead us to question ourselves.

We recently changed our son to a new school. He loves the new school, but the morning transitions continue to be paralyzingly hard for him. Each day he comes out of school happy, and yet many mornings as school gets closer he gets more and more difficult to even get off of the couch, not to mention getting dressed, packed, into, and out of the car.

The other day after an emotionally exhausting morning involving much more coercion than I’m comfortable with, I found I was feeling so sorry for myself. “Why me?” “He’s 8 ½ - he should be able to do this.” “No other children seem to have this problem.” “Why does this have to be so hard?” Although I know, in my logical moments, that I didn’t cause these issues through my parenting, I felt that the school was judging that one of us must be “wrong” or “broken”. Both choices made me so sad.

When I’m not feeling sorry for myself, I know that neither of us is broken. I know I wouldn’t change my son for anything; his sensitivities also come along with so much that is wonderful about him. The real need is not for either of us to be “fixed”, but instead a need for acceptance and the strength to advocate for his right to be different. There often isn’t an easy answer with these children – we just have to meet them where they are, and go from there. I have to accept him for who he is and accept myself as well. Only then do we get on the same team and find successful strategies.

PARENTING TOOL – “Filling your own cup”

Is a cup of tea a parenting tool? A massage? A brisk run before the children are awake? Well, why not?

More and more, I’m finding that when clients come to me wanting strategies or tools for dealing with tantrums, managing their anger, finding cooperation, etc, the root problem is not about the issue at hand. One issue that comes up very frequently is that it’s very hard to parent to your values and fill your children’s cups when your own cup is bone dry. How can we have empathy for a little needy person when we aren’t getting any ourselves? And unfortunately, the truth is that sometimes no-one else is available to give it to us. But there is good news. Self-empathy is a skill that can be learned, and creative self-care – taking care of ourselves without abandoning the needs of others - is a habit that can be developed.

Here are my suggestions. The next time you are “stuck”, take a few deep breaths and check in with how you are feeling and what you are needing. You may find that you can reframe the situation and come up with a creative solution. If you can’t meet those needs, give yourself some empathy. (“This is so hard. I’m exhausted and I know I’m not done yet.”) Then, find a way to carve out a little time – even 10-15 minutes of sacred time– each day to take care of yourself. (This should not be time that is moved from other vital self-care tasks such as sleeping). If that time has to be used for something else, reschedule it later in the day. You may just find that you aren’t at a loss for tools quite as often.

BOOKS

Here are the books on my reading shelf. Hopefully I’ll finish them in time for the next newsletter and write a review.

First, I’m so excited that I’ve gotten my copy of Adventures in Gentle Discipline, by Hilary Flower which was just released for La Leche League. (and, I’m proud to admit, that I’m quoted in it several times J). From Amazon: “With creativity, courage, and commitment, each parent and child can develop their own unique way of engaging in gentle discipline. Gentle discipline is not a far off standard for us to meet but an imperfect, lively and richly meaningful way of communicating with our children. Although experts can offer theories, this book proves that parents themselves have a great deal to offer other parents in regard to this incredibly worthwhile—and revolutionary!—way of guiding young children.” (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0976896907/empathicparen-20).

Second, I’ve heard very good things about, and enjoyed what I’ve read so far of, Hold On To Your Kids by Gordon Neufeld. "Hold on to Your Kids is visionary book that goes beyond the usual explanations to illuminate a crisis of unrecognized proportions. The authors show us how we are losing contact with our children and how this loss undermines their development and threatens the very fabric of society. Most importantly they offer, through concrete examples and clear suggestions, practical help for parents to fulfill their instinctual roles. A brilliant and well written book, one to be taken seriously, very seriously." (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/037550821X/empathicparen-20)

We are just starting to read “Hold on to Your Kids” as a group in an online book group if anyone is interested: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PDbookclub .

Lisa Stroyan