As my son grew older, I found myself floundering for appropriate ways to “discipline” him.  I was fairly clear on some of what I didn’t want to do, but I found that the tools I was using were inherited—I didn’t consciously choose them—things like threatening, raising my voice, and pleading.  When I examined these more closely, I realized they were also based on a set of inherited beliefs that didn’t meet my values.

Are your discipline tools are consistent with your beliefs and values?  Do you believe they will help you meet your long-term goals for your children?  Our parenting “tools” ideally should come from a toolbox put together from (1) our long-term goals for our children and (2) our values and beliefs about how children learn—not from someone else’s handed-down toolbox.

Let’s start with the long-term goals of parenting.  I think we all want our children to grow up to be independent, secure, kind and respectful of others, responsible, have good judgment, etc.  There may be some differences in our lists, or how they are prioritized – for example, compliance with authority is lower on my list than on some of my peers’ lists.  But a lot of the basics are the same and most of us are fairly clear on what our long-term goals for our children are.

If these are our goals, why do we spend so much time trying to get immediate results and approval from others?  Should our success as parents is measured by others, by how quiet, compliant, polite, and socially acceptable our children are?  I believe it should be measured by us, by the strength of our connection with our children and long-term results.

Now let’s examine beliefs.  Like I discarded many of the beliefs I “inherited” about babies as an AP mom (see Attachment Parenting To Empathic Parenting), I have recently started discarding more of my inherited beliefs about discipline and replacing them with others.  (Again, I’m not trying to tell you to adopt my beliefs – but I hope you’ll question some of the beliefs that you inherited).

Here are the key ones that I came up with.  These fall into three categories that I feel are the most important to parenting:  beliefs about the rights of children, about why children misbehave, and about how children learn.

 

The Rights of Children

Inherited Belief: Children must show respect to adults, but adults aren’t required to show respect to children. Children’s needs and feelings are not very important.

My Belief: All people, including children, have equal rights to dignity and respect.

Comments: This principle is the foundation of Positive Discipline and it’s derivations.  When I found myself yelling at my son and threatening him if he didn’t obey, I was using a tool that didn’t match my values and beliefs.  (And also that doesn’t really work, but we’ll get to that later).

 

Why Children Misbehave

Inherited belief: Children are by nature selfish, out-of-control, demanding.  Their goal is power and they are always trying to see how much they can get away with. You can't let children manipulate you or become too dependent. Disobedience equals disrespect. 

My  Belief: A child’s primary goals are having their needs met, connection, and significance.  Misbehavior is an attempt to get a need met or to feel significance and connection, done in an inappropriate way.   (The need might be anything from less stimulation to consistent boundaries).

Comments: I do believe that children need a sense that they have influence and power on the world.  However, I don’t believe that children that are given this will take and take until they are monsters, unless that is what is modeled to them.  Any time you have a currency, and some people have all of that currency and others have none, the ones that have none are going to try to get some however they can.  I also believe that children do try to test boundaries and limits – though not in a negative way, but as part of their job - figuring out how they fit into the world.  But just like I rejected the belief that babies cry to manipulate, I also don’t agree with the idea that the goal of a child’s misbehavior is to manipulate and gain control over the parents.

I also believe that children are self-centered, but not in a negative way.  If we assume positive intent – that they are not trying to make us “lose” in order for them to “win”, we can find ways to meet their needs and our own.

 

How Children Learn

Inherited belief: Children should be trained using punishments and rewards. Making a child feel badly for his actions or afraid of the consequences will teach him the value of behaving differently next time.

 

My  Belief: Children that feel better, act better. A person cannot simultaneously feel bad about what she has done and focus on what she must do differently.  Instead of punitive discipline, we can set limits and teach the child how to behave appropriately without the use of guilt, shame, or fear.

Comments: Punishment (and threats of punishment) generally stops a behavior right away, and sometimes it even stops the behavior in the future.  But there are several problems with punishment. Let’s think about the effectiveness of punishment for teaching new skills. Suppose I told you that tonight you were going to perform surgery on me.  If you did well, and I got better, you would get a new sports car, but if I die, your car gets taken away.  What does that teach you about surgery? (this example is from “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline”).

Punishment, in other words any kind of negative reinforcement, makes us afraid or remorseful, but doesn’t teach us new ways to get our needs met.

My definition of punishment, or punitive discipline, is anything that operates on the idea that making a child feel badly or feel fear of a consequence will teach him to behave differently next time.   Let’s look at this for a moment.

Suppose you wake up transported to a foreign place. You are starving and no-one around you seems to hear you or acknowledge your attempts to communicate.  You trying yelling, tugging on people, etc.  Then you see a basket of fruit, and you take some.

If were to come to you, and yell at you, lecture you, and make you feel ashamed for these behaviors (yelling, tugging on people, and taking things that weren’t yours), would this teach you anything?  What if I came to you and said, “You are really hungry and need food! Yelling and taking someone else’s things isn’t OK.  Here is how you can get your hunger met – you can communicate this way, and you can ask this way.”  How would you feel?  Would you be more likely to change your behavior the next time this happened?

There is research that shows that when the brain is in an emotional state, learning is short-circuited.  Teaching is not effective when either you or your child is feeling angry, guilty, ashamed, or hurt.

Switching away from punitive discipline required a huge mind shift for me, and still does on a daily basis, but I’m seeing really positive affects on my son’s behavior and especially his self-confidence.

So if children don’t learn through punishment and feeling badly, how do they learn? 

Inherited belief: Children must do what they are told.  The parent knows the right way and teaches the child by telling him what to do, how to do it, and how to think, until the child can do these things for himself.  If children are allowed to misbehave, they will never learn the correct way to behave.

My Belief: Children learn mainly by modeling. Actions speak louder than words. Most learning (especially values and habits) is tied to development and takes time to see results.  To teach a child to manage his emotions, we need to supportively help him understand his feelings instead of protecting him from them.

Comments: One of the most powerful examples of this comes from the book, “Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline”.  Suppose I am trying to get my child to clean up his toys.  I  tell him to do it, and he refuses.  I get angry, raise my voice, and threaten.  The toys get cleaned up.

What learning occurred here?  My child didn’t learn the value of cleaning up the toys. The learning wasn’t about the toys at all. He learned that the way I  get a need met (my need for order and cleanliness) is to become angry and yell.  He models that behavior, not cleaning.

 

This new set of beliefs leads to an entirely different set of tools.  Before I understood my beliefs, I would use some of my new tools, get frustrated if they didn’t “work” or if I couldn’t operate them properly, and fall back on my old tools.  Having a strong set of beliefs allows me to evaluate my tools and hone them continually, and also to trust that they are going to be effective even if a particular behavior is not immediately controlled.

 

[If you find it useful to think about the beliefs behind your parenting, check out Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Bailey.]

 

Lisa Stroyan