I believe that misbehavior is an expression of an unmet need.  Empathy connects you with your child’s current feelings and needs (and perhaps your own).  Empathy sometimes seems as if it would be counter-intuitive, fruitless, and time-consuming, but it often has exactly the opposite result. It might seem that conveying your understanding implies you will give in or fix that feeling, yet often just being understood is what is needed by the child.

Empathy helps your child feel understood, supported, and connected instead of controlled and told his feelings are wrong.  You have to first understand what he wants, what he feels, and what he needs (what he wants and needs may not be the same thing).  Then offer empathy—acknowledge your child’s feelings about the limit you’ve set, and don’t negate his emotions by convincing, lecturing, or blaming. An example might be, “You would really like to keep playing longer!!!  It makes you mad that it’s time to stop!”

This is not implying that he can have what he wants, or even that you will be able to meet his need at this moment. It is acknowledging that his needs and emotions are valid and that you will support his right to have them.

It’s very easy to confuse empathy and convincing.  Watch out for the word “but”, as it is an “eraser” word – it negates what has just been said as “less important” than what follows.  “I understand that you don’t want to leave, but we have to get home and have dinner” is not empathy. The true message is, “going home is more important than how you feel” or “if you understood the priority, you wouldn’t feel angry”.  Instead you want the message to be “I understand that you are experiencing tough emotions right now – reality can be hard to deal with.  You have a need that I can’t meet right now”.  For empathy to be heard, it has to be a true understanding, not a way to try to change someone.

There is another reason to avoid convincing. It opens the issue for argument about who is “right”.  When you imply that your way is correct, and you give reasons, the child naturally wants to prove to you that his reasons are more valid and correct than yours – because to him, they are.  Sometimes arguing and negotiating a solution seem like the same thing, but in fact, they are vastly different. Once two people start arguing, each one “locks in” on one solution and shuts down their hearing of the other person’s view. Empathy, on the other hand, sends the message that you don’t have to agree with my limit, only adhere to it.

It’s often hard for us as parents to offer empathy to a child that is behaving in a hurtful manner.  Offering love and understanding feels counter to what we were taught.  However, my experience is that the child cannot hear the message we are trying to teach until the connection is re-established.  They are acting hurtful because they are feeling hurt.  Once they feel that their hurt is heard, they can find other ways to address it.  Imagine the connection as your telephone, and empathy as the way to open the line.  He can't hear you very well with a bad connection. 

Sometimes, it is very hard to offer empathy to a child when we have strong feelings we are struggling with ourselves.  In this case, take some deep breaths, and offer yourself some empathy with your inner voice.  “It’s not easy to be a parent of a spirited 2 year old.  I’m really frustrated.  I’m angry that I didn’t get to eat lunch on time.  I really need food and some quiet time to just sit down.”  By doing this, you acknowledge that it is valid for you to have these feelings, and that your feelings and needs matter also – even if you realize logically that you can’t meet those needs right now, for example if you are in the middle of shopping and won’t be home for half an hour.  Even more importantly, you “take ownership” for your emotions when you empathize with yourself without blaming either yourself or anyone else.

When I first understood the importance of empathy, I used it only for negative feelings.  I’ve since found it is very powerful for positive emotions also, in that it helps the child connect their feelings of being capable, respectful, helpful, etc, to her actions. 

 Here’s an example.  My son and I needed to clean his room.   We went through a similar process - I gave him a lot of ownership in the solution, used thinking questions to get him to think about where objects should “live”, etc. He actually wanted to keep cleaning after I was ready to call it done.  (It was a very empowering moment for me as a parent).   I was surprised, even though he is sensitive and has a strong need for order. We sat on the bed when we were finished, and I asked him how the he felt - if he felt peaceful and safe to have things in the right place, and if it felt good to have cooperated and worked as a team.  I could see from the surprise in his eyes that it was an “aha” moment for both of us, and a few days later, he insisted that we do down and clean again.

Three years later, he still resisted when I insisted that he clean up his toys in the living room, and then I would remember, and we would happily spend an hour or more together doing our ritual of “top to bottom cleaning” of the house where we work as a team and get amazing things done.

And the beautiful thing is that he teaches me the same lessons back again. - “Mom, I don’t want to clean up my toys by myself.  How about if we do a top-to-bottom cleanup and you pick up my things and I pick up yours?”

Lisa Stroyan