One day, my five-year-old son said something I never expected to hear. “But, Mom, can't I keep playing next to you instead of watching a video?  Cleaning is more fun…” What? Did he just say cleaning is fun??

How did we get here?  Well, the day started with him not having cleaned up his toys the night before, me a little frustrated, and my son reluctant to do anything at all that I asked.  In the past, this would have been a recipe for disaster, but this time the parenting muse smiled on me and I was able to come up with “construction clean-up”, which I’ll describe in a moment.

One of my inherited, unconscious beliefs was that some things in life (like cleaning) are boring and children just have to learn to do the boring things in order to get to the "good" stuff (the corollary being that it is the parent’s job to make them do "boring" stuff in order to teach this lesson.) 

We have always used games as a way to diffuse common power struggles, but for a while I was resentful at needing to do so. I almost felt guilty at times, as if there was something wrong with me or my child that he would need such games in order to do everyday necessary tasks.  However, once I sorted out my beliefs, I realized that just as my goal is for him to learn good judgment rather than blind obedience, I want him to make the best out of life, instead of viewing it as a chore. In fact, one of the key things I learned as a stay-at-home mom is how to keep life fun—even while changing a diaper or mopping the floor! 

Of course, all children encounter situations that aren’t necessarily fun, and they need to be able to handle them, but no longer do I believe that it is my duty to provide the “boring stuff”. Now, I teach my child to make the best out of each situation. And indeed, as he has gotten older, the chores that used to be problematic (getting dressed, getting out the door, brushing teeth, etc.) are now, for the most part, routine and struggle-free.

Playfulness is an appropriate and helpful tool, even when (especially when!) children "misbehave."  This is quite a “shift” for many people, since we have been so inundated with the belief that we need to disapprove of children when they are not behaving correctly. Much of my thinking about play has been influenced by the book, Playful Parenting, by Lawrence J. Cohen.  He writes, "being playful is not about rewards/punishment, but about restoring the ingredient that was missing in the first place—connection."  This book describes the value of using play to help us reconnect with our children in a variety of situations. 

Cohen also points out that many conflicts happen when children won’t do something we think they “should be able to do” by themselves.  At these moments, when children have taken a step toward independence, they may need more contact with us rather than less. They need to balance all their new accomplishments with extra closeness to replenish their confidence. 

Occasionally, playfulness turns into competition. Cohen writes that children get enough experience with losing out in the real world. We do them a favor by letting them win in their early games with us; their self-confidence and sense of personal power are enhanced when they learn to lead the way.  As they get older, if we listen and trust them, we will hear whether they need a "win" or a challenge.  I have found that when more than one child is involved, having the children team up and win “against” the adult will encourage cooperation.

Over the years, our family has developed many ways to cooperate and connect using play. Here are some of our favorites, many of which my son created. Modify them to fit your situation and have fun with your children creating new ones! (I’d love to hear your ideas also! See Note at the bottom).

“Relay-Race” Jammies

A child takes off one piece of clothing, runs to another room, and touches a certain spot; then runs back, takes off the next item or puts on the next bed-time item, and then repeats until dressed.  This gets out the evening energy and takes the focus off of “getting ready for bed.” Be sure to follow with a calming activity such as reading bedtime stories.

Airplane

This is a great solution to seatbelt wars and can get you out the door on time, without a struggle. Pretend you are going on an airplane. Start by playing the flight attendant, saying something like, "Flight 1234 will begin boarding in 5 minutes. Please collect your baggage and proceed to the gate.“ And, later, “All ticketed passengers should now be on board.”  Once in the "airplane" the flight attendant asks all passengers to make sure their seatbelts are buckled "low and tight across their laps," etc.  You can "prepare for takeoff" on the driveway and off you fly.

Fire!

This is only used when you’re in a rush; this keeps the preparations fun.  Either the child or parent "rings the bell" to signal a fire or an emergency. Then see how fast everyone can get into their “fire fighter” clothes, and get into the “firetruck” to leave. Once you get there, you can find something red to “put out”.  Only use this one when you are almost ready to go (no-one stops to run the dishwasher in an emergency!).  And of course, make sure that everyone knows the differences between this and a real emergency.

Surprise Me/Trick Me

There are many variations to this game, which my son invented. The parent expresses doubt that the child is able to do something easy and then acts surprised when it happens. Use this one only if it gets your child giggling so you know they are in on the game and so as not to use it manipulatively. A variation of this is to act surprised that something has changed, e.g., "Now how did that plate get from the table to the counter?” Another variation is for one parent to suggest the child  surprise the other parent, making it a big secret.  Though you will get very tired of being surprised at seemingly normal things (like a 4 year old that has dressed himself) it is much better than nagging.

Time-It

Run a stopwatch to see how long it takes your children to do a task, e..g, cleaning up all the toys. Instead of comparing to last time, just say, "Wow—3 minutes and 9 seconds!” Or, agree to see how many toys you can pick up together in a certain amount of time or until a particular piece of music ends. When the timer goes off, you’re done picking up, even if some toys are still left. Make sure that the tasks are short enough that your kids can stay focused and engaged. Both of these games help kids gain a sense of time and responsibility.

Let’s Race!

This is a great game for getting dressed. “Race” your child to see who gets dressed first, or let him try to get dressed before you finish something, such as making breakfast, and then let him win in the end. When more than one child is involved, have the children team up and help each other to race against you.

The “Can-Do Team”

This idea came from a working mom with three children. When her husband travels, it's hard to get all three kids out the door, dinner made, everyone to bed, etc. The idea is to tell your kids, "We can do it together, because we're a 'Can-Do Team!” Let your kids help each other get dressed, brush teeth, get breakfast, pack backpacks, and load the car while you cheer them on. Encourage each of them to communicate with each other to figure out when and where help is needed and how to accept help. Everything is a team effort with all parties sharing ideas and suggestions on how to get something done. When something breaks down, everyone stops what they're doing and problem-solves the breakdown. You might even have them pick an actual team name each time ("Fireballs," "Eagles," "Howling Wolves," or…) and put their hands together and do the team cheer ("Goooo! Fireballs!")  "Eagles, let's make dinner! What are we having?” (Let them create a menu). “Fireballs, who's setting the table? Ready?!? Go!"   While you are cheering on the kids, you’ll also be cheering yourself on, so you can thrive instead of just surviving.

Cleanup Games

Since cleaning up toys is one of the most common struggles, there are lots of variations of games to get this done.  You might race to see if the children can finish the living room before you finish the kitchen (and just keep finding things to clean until they win), or time their cleanup.  In Hide-N-Seek Cleanup, the children clean up some number of things and you try to figure out what is now missing.  In Relay-Hug Cleanup, the child runs, cleans up a certain number of things, runs back for a hug, and repeats until the space is clean.  These are just ideas—the real fun is letting the child come up with inventive games.

These games also offers an opportunity to talk about how nice it feels when rooms are clean and how great it feels to work together.  

Top-to-bottom cleanup—Have you ever noticed how it is more fun to do someone else's work than your own?  In this game, work together to clean the house, without attention to who made the mess.  Take a laundry basket with you to put items that belong in other rooms, and ask your child to "drive" it from room to room, putting things away as you travel.  The laundry basket can be a dumptruck and the vacuum can be a bulldozer. Blue carpet can be water and you can be dredging the ocean.  One time we were saving all the animals in the jungle from the construction.  (We had a snack of broccoli trees for that one!)  Use your imaginations!

One caveat with this game—be sure to stop before the child is tired even if he doesn’t recognize it.  It’s easy to get fired up, and then push it too far. It’s critical that everyone remember it being fun, not exhausting.

15 Minutes Each—Each person gets 15 minutes to be in control of the activity. Whoever’s turn it is gets to choose a (reasonable and comfortable) activity and make all the rules. Because often children don’t like to try new things but then loves them once they do, you can use your turn to get them to try something new.  When it is their turn, children may enjoy telling you exactly what to do—how to drive each car and correcting you if you didn’t do it perfectly—it’s an oddly reversed déjà vu feeling :)

(Note: The Playful Parenting book has the concept of “PlayTime” which is child-directed play, and recommends you do this frequently (every day for little children), with no strings attached.  We’ve not played the “15-minutes each” game in a while; perhaps we’ve outgrown the need for it. I’m now ambivalent about requiring him to give me a turn, since effectively it is my turn the rest of the day.  However, at the time, this really worked well for both of us.  (Go with your gut on this one)).

Delivery-Man

A simple yet effective game that works well for children that get overwhelmed trying to figure out where things go when cleaning up.  The child is the delivery person, perhaps using a laundry basket “delivery truck” to pick up items and deliver them to various places. A variation is to use a dump-truck in the garden or yard and have the child pick up weeds you have pulled.

School

This is one that my son started—probably to meet his need for more order to his summer days after he started Kindergarten.  It has many benefits for parents also. Your house becomes a school, with various rooms being assigned as parts of the school.  Stuffed animals make fabulous students—both attentive and compliant.  Children that do not want to clean up will often clean up as part of the game; the students are coming and we must get the school ready.  The children can remind the “students” to put their activities away at the end of each activity (so the next class or student can use them), which reinforces their own memories as well as getting the cleaning done.  Your school can even have a rest time if that is needed at your house.

Later, we did a similar game where our house was a hotel, complete with mints on the pillows and room freshener.

Imaginary Friends

Does your child have imaginary friends or a special stuffed animal?  If so, including them in your daily activities can be a great way both to model respect, to practice empathy, and to challenge your child.  Allow your child to be the expert on the friend, even when what they claim is not logical—after all, this is play!  Model consideration and empathy to the friend or animal.  Lastly you can challenge your child to try new things—by asking if the friend would like to try them first, or by suggesting that the animal might be a bit nervous, and asking the child to reassure them that it is not so scary—which often has the side effect of reassuring the child as well.

 

The ideas in this article are just that, ideas. Coming up with games may be time-consuming at first, but it will pay for itself in the long run. The time spent negotiating the details of the game is a key learning experience in finding solutions that meet everyone’s needs.

The real fun is in letting children come up with their own inventive games, which are often better than we adults can come up with. Follow your child's lead whenever you can. Be playful and have fun together!

 

Do you have ideas you want to share?  A friend and I are in the process of compiling a book about practical playful tips.  Please email me with any ideas you would be willing to share with other parents!

Lisa Stroyan