[ Editor’s note: when I saw this list of tools from Stephanie Nakhleh, I had to have it available to readers. These are tools that most of you already know about—but the power of this article is that it brings them all together in one place, making our options so much more visible when we are struggling to move away from punishment and need something to move towards. — Lisa ]

1. Model the behavior you want. Show your child how you expect him to behave. If you want him to use please and thank you, make sure you use those words yourself. If you want him to handle his anger appropriately, make sure you are handling yours appropriately as well.

2. Examine your expectations. Is it reasonable for your child to behave the way you're expecting him to? Children can only work with the tools they have, which are limited by age and maturity.

3. Focus on solutions instead of blame. When your child spills milk, don't say, "You spilled milk!" say, "There is spilled milk. Here is a sponge to wipe it up," and let the child wipe it up. What I've seen is that kids are more than happy to make reparations if we allow them to, if we don't force them into defensiveness by blaming or shaming them.

4. Give limited choices. "We can change your diaper on the bed or the changing table." "You can have soup or a sandwich for lunch." "When we cross the street, you can hold my hand or I can carry you.”

5. Withdraw from conflict. If your anger is getting the best of you, take a time-out for yourself. This can model the best of what time-out has to offer, which is that it is a voluntary cooling-off period. Don't storm off, but calmly let him know that you need a break and will be in the next room.

6. Forewarn. Let him know what to expect so he can prepare. "We'll leave in 5 minutes," followed up 5 minutes later with, "One more time down the slide and off we go!" (And follow through.) It also helps us a lot to get our kids' minds focused on the next step--on what we will do when we get home, for example. It helps them get their minds out of "park mode" and into "home mode." Caveat: Too many warnings can cause some children to get very tense; it may take experimenting to figure out the optimal number for your child.

7. Use two yeses for every no. Whatever it is he isn't supposed to do, give him two alternatives. The choice of TWO other things is key, because it really takes their attention off the "no-no" and onto making a totally new choice. "I see you want to throw something! Would you like to throw a paper airplane or a balloon?"

8. Instead of saying "no," or "don't," tell children what you DO want them to do. "Feet stay on the floor." "Chairs are for sitting." "Gentle hands."

9. Don't feel you have to solve it or fix a tantrum. Assuming it's not caused by something fixable (like hunger), allow a child to express his strong emotions with your support. Emotions are always OK, although some behaviors are not. Make the difference clear to your child. It's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to hit people. Encourage a child to express his strong emotions through tears and words, so that they don't have to resort to hitting, biting, screaming, and other unacceptable behaviors.

10. Rephrase. When a child is disrespectful, help them rephrase what they are saying in an acceptable way. "I hate you!" becomes, "I'm so angry with you!" Another example: "Gimme that!" or "I want that now!" becomes "May I please have that," or "I am having a hard time waiting patiently for that."

11. If you can't change a mind, change a mood. Infusing a situation with humor can go a long way to avoiding conflict. "I see sugar bugs eating all your teeth because you won't brush them! I see pizza bugs in there! I see yogurt bugs! Aaaaa, they're taking over! Quick, help me get them out before it's too late!" I have found it useful to pull very dramatic, silly faces, especially when I'm getting frustrated. I will make a hugely overdramatic "frustrated" face, combined with groans and/or roars, which makes me and the kids both laugh.

12. Communicate your feelings. This helps everyone. "I feel so angry when I see dirt all over my floor!" Be careful to express your feelings without blaming or shaming your child--your feelings are your responsibility, not your child's. At the same time, it helps children to know how their actions effect other people, and to see what anger/sadness/resentment/frustration look like. Model your anger in ways you would want your child to act when *he* is angry.

13. Structure your routine so something nice happens after something that is usually a struggle. The nice thing doesn't happen until the not-so-nice thing is done. Example: say brushing teeth before bed is becoming a struggle. Structure it so you brush teeth BEFORE reading stories--stories don't get read until teeth are brushed. It's not a bribe, you are not adding anything to the routine, just rearranging it so the child is more motivated to get through the unpleasant things in order to get to the good stuff.

14. Think of both you and your child as learners. You are learning how to be a better parent; no matter how great you are, there is always room for improvement and learning. Your child is learning, too--learning how to grow up, learning about feelings, learning the rules, learning how to get what he wants and avoid what he doesn't want. Learners make mistakes, learners are not perfect. Give yourself and your child room to grow, to make mistakes and learn from them. To borrow from author Mary Sheedy Kurcinka: "Progress, not perfection, is the goal."

15. Notice your child doing things well. He needs to hear more positives than negatives, more about what he is doing right than doing wrong. "You worked on that project all morning--that's what I call perseverance." "You played by yourself for 15 minutes!" "I liked the way you and Tommy shared today." We don't have to get heavily into praise, just *notice* it, let them know what they are doing right so they can do it again.

16. Call in the authorities. Whenever my daughter is disobeying some rule in a public place (talking loudly in the library, going down the slide the wrong way at the pool) I will take her over to whatever "authority" is around and ask them to explain the rule to her. They are always happy to and always do it very nicely, and my daughter's eyes get very round and she seems quite impressed--she listens well to me too but sometimes having something reinforced by someone "outside" can really make all the difference. If she starts to slip I can remind her, "Honey do you remember what the librarian/lifeguard said?"

17. Make confident statements. Show your child you are confident he can overcome a problem. "You are getting less and less afraid of bugs every day," or "You've forgotten your violin three times. Since you are a resourceful person, I know you can figure out a way to remember your violin in the future."

18. Make a hand signal. If a child interrupts, for example, come up with a signal he can use to let you know he wants a turn, and a signal you can give him back to let him know his turn is next.

19. Make a list. Example: If your child is going through a phase of wanting to do everything himself, and is getting really angry when you don't foresee something he wants to do himself, add that item to an ongoing list titled, "Things I Want To Do Myself." Post it somewhere he can see it, so he knows you respect his feelings. This can shortcut a lot of power struggles and unpleasant scenes.

20. Write a note. Instead of constantly nagging kids to do something, post a reminder note in large letters in an obvious place, like putting "Take Off Shoes" next to the front door. Even better, have the child help make or decorate the note. This can also work for preliterate kids, who want to know what the note says.

21. Make an observation. When you see two kids fighting over toys, instead of rushing into solve the problem, just describe what you see. "I see two kids who want the same toy." Another example: "I see a coat on the floor that needs to be picked up."

22. Use one word. Instead of a long lecture on neatness, just say "TOWEL!" when your child leaves his towel on the floor.

23. Put it in your pocket. Example: Before going into a place where silly behavior might not be acceptable, have your kids "put their sillies in their pocket."

24. Take a positive time-out. Don't use time-out as a punishment, but as a cooling-off period. Go with the child to a cooling-off place and if he wants company, stay with him until he is calm. when he is calm, then the problem can be discussed. Holding a child is an excellent thing to do in positive time-out, if he is open to that. Hugs can work as a very quick positive time-out. Kids often need positive attention when they seem very least deserving of it, and positive attention at seemingly odd times, like after a child has misbehaved, can do more to turn around the behavior than any punishment.

25. Involve the child in choosing a solution. Give the child responsibility in solving the problem. Example: "You want me to play with you, and I need to get dinner done. Is there a way we can fix this problem that will leave both of us happy?"

26. Rewind/do-over. "Oops, you forgot to take off your shoes! Let's step back outside and try again." Or, "Oops, that's not quite what happened, let's hear what happened again."

27. Role-play. Play-act a difficult situation before it arises. You can either assume the roles yourself or give the roles to dolls/stuffed animals/action figures. This is a good way to prepare for dinners where extra-polite behavior might be expected, or for difficult/scary encounters like the dentist. Also helpful in working out ongoing problems, like sharing: have your child "help" two dolls take turns sharing a toy.

28. Play the stop game. As in "red light/green light"; games like this can help a child reflexively stop immediately when you say "stop!" such as when the child starts to run toward traffic or pick up a sharp knife.

29. Use a timer or clock to signal the start and stop of an activity. "You need to be dressed by the time this bell rings," or "I need to finish with the dishes, but I promise I will play with you when all the sand in this egg timer is at the bottom."

30. Use wishful thinking. Let the child know you respect his wishes, and let him go ahead and fantasize about having his wish granted. Good way to avoid power struggles. "You really want more chocolate. I want more chocolate, too. I wish we had a whole room full of chocolate!"

31. Play "what if?" Example: What if we never went to bed? What might happen? What if we never picked up our wet towels? Would they grow mold on them? Eeeewww!

32. Use natural consequences. These happen without your needing to do anything--he refuses to put on a coat, so let him go outside without a coat and find out for himself why you have this rule (don't make him suffer, though...bring his coat outside with you, put it on when he asks, and avoid the temptation to say "I told you so."). He throws applesauce off the high-chair tray and has no applesauce to eat.

33. Use logical consequences. These are imposed by the parent but relate *directly* to the behavior and help teach cause/effect. She throws a toy, the toy gets put up for a while. He writes with crayons on the wall, so he needs to help mommy clean it up. Parental attitude is important--an attitude of "I'm getting back at you" turns a consequence into a punishment, and kids know the difference. Punishment makes kids feel bad, that's the whole purpose. It's hard for a child who *feels* bad to *act* good.

And as I said, that's just a few of the many, many, many things you can do to ward off problems before they start, or deal with problems that have already started.

 

Stephanie Nahkleh is the mother of two children, a 6 year old girl and a 3 year old boy, and lives in New Mexico.

Lisa Stroyan