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Issue 3, November 04 CONTENTS Quote of the Month Food for Thought Parenting Tool Book Review Announcements Local Events Links and Resources Administrivia QUOTE OF THE MONTH “Expectations are resentments under construction." -- Anne Lamott FOOD FOR THOUGHT - “Reaching In” When my son first started Kindergarten, the teacher gave us guidelines for volunteering in her Montessori-style “centers”. On of the most powerful is still something that I struggle to remember – “Don’t reach in”. In the context of an activity, this means not reaching my hand into the space where a child is working – to adjust, correct, fix, or help. After all, the whole point of the activity is for the child to work on mastery, not for it to be done “right” or quickly. For some reason, though, reaching in is incredibly hard for me to avoid (and harder with my son than with other children). Why is it so tempting to interfere? Am I trying to save him from failure or mistakes? Am I trying to show my own skills? Am I focusing on the end-result rather than the process, and rushing to get it completed? Although my motives are likely good, I have noticed that “reaching in” is very disempowering. It sends a message of incompetency, is disrespectful of the child’s space and choices, and doesn’t allow him to exercise perseverance. This incredibly wise teacher did, however, provide an alternative. If the child was struggling, we’d ask, “Would you like some help with that or would you like to keep working on it yourself?” Often the child chose to keep trying. If they wanted help, they made space for that help. In the larger context of life, this guideline helps me remember to allow my child his own decisions, his own mistakes and learning, and his own emotions. It reminds me that it is not about the end-result. And when he gets angry over the frustrations of life, instead of taking it personally or trying to fix it for him, I try to ask, “Would you like some support with that or shall I give you your space?” PARENTING TOOL – “Shifting the focus” This parenting tool doesn’t have a name, I’ve noticed it’s very effective. In the middle of a power struggle with my child, I’m usually trying to get him to cooperate or take action – leaving for errands, getting dressed, packing for school. If I shift the focus away from the action, while still making sure it proceeds, he’ll often comply willingly. I’ll shift our focus to something fun to discuss, and quietly pause the discussion whenever the action is not proceeding. Perhaps this is best explained through example. Suppose I’m trying to get him dressed, and he is intent on lying on the bed and kicking. I’ll drop the power struggle for a moment, and bring up something interesting. “Wasn’t that a funny looking dog we saw yesterday?” I might say, or “Wouldn’t it be neat if dinosaurs were still around? Let’s imagine what it would be like.” Once he is engaged, I bring in the requisite activity. “Here, we need to keep getting dressed while we talk.” I’ll immediately start engaging him in the details, getting silly and laughing in the process (“I liked the fur sticking out of his ears! What was your favorite thing about that dog?” or “Where do you think the dinosaurs would live? Do you think people would ride them?”). While I’m doing this, at the same time, I’m holding out a pant leg (for a younger child), or pointing to the pants and pausing my dialog until he starts to grab them, or simply asking, “What’s next for getting dressed? Please keep going so we can keep talking about…” in an excited voice. My attitude through this is, “we’re on the same team and I’m really excited about talking with you.” As we are going on about how dinosaur buses may have replaced the need for vehicles, suddenly we notice that the task is accomplished and we both have a great sense of connection. At first, this takes a little longer, and it sometimes feels like “letting them get away with something.” That hasn’t been my experience in the long-term, however. Instead, by making everyday tasks fun, we are developing habits which become automatic over time, and soon the need for distraction has disappeared (though it will pop up once in a while when he’s feeling a bit less capable than average). Explore this tool, and let me know how it works for you! BOOK REVIEW – “Positive Discipline for Teenagers” by Jane Nelsen and Lynn Lott Don’t have a teen or pre-teen? No problem; this review is for all ages. This is my favorite book of the Positive Discipline series. I find it to be very respectful of both children and parents, It approaches parenting from a standpoint of “getting on the same side” which I appreciate. I’ve often heard that there are a lot of similarities in the developmental tasks of children 10 years apart – for example, 2 and 12 both share the need to redefine themselves (2 as “not mom” and 12 as “not a little kid any more”), 3 and 13 both are struggling to deal with strong new emotions, etc. Whatever the reason, this book feels very appropriate for younger children as well. Sure, there is some content that won’t have come up yet, but it never hurts to prepare in advance. Most of the ideas, though, seem “ageless” to me – for example, “listen rather than lecture”, and “remember to empathize”. I’ve only read the 1st edition of this book, and there seem to be a lot of changes with the second edition, but I’m willing to bet it’s even better. You can find this book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/076152181X/empathicparen-20
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Lisa Stroyan |
