|
My apologies that it has been so long since I have sent out a newsletter! I’ve been pretty busy, as I know we all are. I hope you are having a good summer! CONTENTS Quote of the Month Food for Thought Parenting Tool Book Review Announcements Local Events Links and Resources Administrivia QUOTE OF THE MONTH “We women need to learn to be more gentle with ourselves, or else, how will our children learn to be gentle with themselves?” - Anne Wilson Shaef FOOD FOR THOUGHT - “Games for Cooperation” As many of you know, I have taken a non-traditional, playful approach to chores. (see my article “Make It Fun!”). So far, this seems to be paying off fairly well. My son, who has a tough time with anything that he is not confident with, has now gotten into a habit of doing many tasks by rote - tasks that used to require games. It doesn’t remove the need for limits – he would certainly rather not have to put away his laundry before going to play with a friend or be dressed before a morning video – but it has gotten us to a point where we rarely have an blowup about required chores, and is still useful at the occasional sticking point. (Saying “Oh, that’s ok if you don’t feel like getting dressed, because then I will get dressed faster than you!!!” hasn’t failed us unless he is sick :). Anyway, I thought our new game is worth sharing as an indication of the evolution of this process. We call it “delivery” but it is really more “handyman”. I almost laugh when I think of it, since so little of it is actually a game. We use our phones, which have an intercom feature. He goes in the bedroom, and I call, say that I am calling from the main office, and ask if they “have anyone available” for a certain task. Then he comes out and says, “Did you call for someone to ….?” I tell him to let me know if he needs me to help. So far, I don’t think he has ever said that no-one is available to do the task I’ve asked for – everything from putting away his laundry, to collecting the toys in the living room, to collecting all the trash in the various rooms and putting it in the garage. He is doing tasks when asked, and doing them independently in rooms where I’m not present, a new development. Better yet, he’s doing them happily and with confidence and pride, and coming back for more! I can’t say that being playful will solve all problems with children helping out. There are times I find it frustrating to try to come up with a game, and many times that we don’t successfully negotiate a game and I have to drop the discussion until the next item in the routine. I can say, though, that every time I use playfulness, it gets a little easier, more natural, and faster – it now takes very little time on the whole. I still maintain that it has many other benefits – self-esteem, confidence, connection, etc - but making life a little easier is worth it in itself, don’t you think? PARENTING TOOL – “Patience” Patience. Simply waiting quietly. Not controlling and not giving in. As I write this, I have the sneaky suspicion – despite numerous examples to the contrary that come up during coaching calls - that I must be the only one that has not yet mastered this obvious tool. I’m just not sure why it is so hard! Whenever I feel the tension mounting, I have an urgent desire to control the situation and get it to work out the way I envision it. The more the tension (grocery stores for example :) the stronger the urge. Or, sometimes I want to just walk away and not address the issue. Perhaps it is basic “fight or flight” instinct? Whatever the cause, I have been having some very good success with simply being in the tension, without clamping down more control than I need. I still maintain my boundaries and my end-goal, but I don’t escalate the situation. For example, a common occurrence is that my son will be playing his Gameboy and not stopping as we have previously agreed. My urge says to physically stop him from playing, or threaten, or ….do something! Yet that always makes the situation worse, as does walking away in a huff :). However, I’ve noticed that if I simply stay present and wait expectantly after I’ve stated my limit (perhaps gently/calmly repeating it), he does stop on his own within a couple of minutes. My presence itself sets the boundary that the agreement needs to be kept. I encourage you to play with this and see if you sense a difference. I’d be interested in hearing your thoughts– please drop me an email! BOOK REVIEW – “Unconditional Parenting” by Alfie Kohn This may be a book that revolutionizes “positive” parenting practices. It’s certainly a new “favorite” for me. This is a book that really made me think – I had originally intended to read it simply to increase my repertoire but found it to be very personally thought-provoking as well. In particular, Kohn talks about how in our society, we are taught that good things must always be earned, and that there is a tendency to see interactions among family members as a kind of economic transaction. He asks, “should a “rule of reciprocity” apply to our dealings with family and friends?” He talks about how this attitude, especially when we withhold love and affection based on misbehavior, causes issues, such as children that are always asking, “What’s in it for me?” This thought-provoking book will help you change from a model of “doing to” to “working with” your children. My one caution with this book is that it sometimes feels a bit alarmist, presumably to reach a more mainstream audience. There is a bit too much focus on what to avoid, so that it is often unclear what he IS recommending parents do. Because of this, readers will need to guard against feeling guilty or overriding their own best judgments. Despite all of that, I found Unconditional Parenting to be thought-provoking enough that the lack of specific, positive suggestions is a minor inconvenience. Like with any book, only take what is useful! You can find this book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0743487478/empathicparen-20 Copyright 2005, Lisa Stroyan, Empathic Discipline |
|
Lisa Stroyan |
