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Part One: Interacting with Toddlers Conflicts are inevitable with young children and some conflict is actually necessary to practice problem solving, empathy, and self-control. Constant conflict, however, is draining, disconnects children and parents from each other, and inhibits learning. As parents we need strategies to reduce and resolve conflicts, while empowering children and building skills rather than building frustration. This article describes one process for helping conflicts go more smoothly. There are three important principles to remember as you go through this process. Principle 1: Move to the child’s level & get the child’s attention When you speak to a child, make sure you have his attention, or he can’t “hear” you. When you want your child’s attention, get up and walk over to your child, crouch down or sit at face level. Depending on your child’s preference, use loving touch and eye contact. (Some find this invasive, and are paying attention even if they are looking away). Make sure you allow time for your child to shift away from the current activity. Principle 2: Communicate calmly and respectfully Use a calm, non-judgmental voice. Children learn most by what they observe, so model the self-control, respect, and problem-solving skills that you would like them to use. Anger and judgment don’t help the situation, and often causes a child to shut down or become angry and aggressive. As conscious adults we want to claim and model ownership of our emotions and reactions. Watch out for thoughts such as “Why are you making me so mad?” Being held responsible for someone’s reactions is scary for a child. Save your loud, urgent voice for dangerous situations, when you truly need an immediate response. Principle 3: Allow processing time Most young children need time to process words—a few seconds for the words to sink in, and another several seconds to decide how to respond. You might be surprised to find that even when you know their answer (for example, if you ask, “Would you like an ice cream cone?”) it might take five to ten seconds before your child lights up with excitement. If you cart your child off before she has time to process, in her mind you didn't give her a chance, and she will become mad or upset. (Think of how you would feel if another adult says, “Can I have that?” and grabs something from you). Each child needs a different amount of processing time, and it is usually apparent once you look for it. Other times, making a decision might be uncomfortable for a child, so she might ignore you and keep playing. Stay connected and calm as you patiently hold her attention while indicating that you expect a response. (Continued in part 2).
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Lisa Stroyan |
