Part Two: Minimizing Conflict

When conflicts arise between parent and child, there are often situations that become triggers. It might be getting out the door on time, making transitions in routines, or a child who is upset because she can’t have things as she thinks they ought to be. The strategy to minimize conflict is to be aware that, as parents, we may control the big-picture objective of what needs to happen (“We need to leave the house by 3:00 to get to school at 3:30”) while empowering the child with as much control as possible over how the objective is met (e.g., bringing something fun for the car, leaving early and playing at the park, playing a silly game). The following six-point strategy is particularly helpful in areas of possible conflict.

Through this process, keep in mind that if either you or your child is tired, hungry, rushed, or not feeling well, you may have a struggle about a “surface” issue, for example, how the sandwich is cut.  When this happens, remind yourself that arguing about the surface issue won’t help—this is not the time to lecture about how mom can’t uncut the sandwich. What is needed most is empathy for both yourself and your child while you resolve the real issue, the hunger and need for rest, as best you can.

1. Outline your objective—prepare for transitions

Tell your child what is going to happen, when, and why. Children feel more secure when they have some warning time and understand the expectations. “Five more swings and then we need to leave,” “We need to leave in ten minutes,” or “We can play after we finish eating.” Sometimes it’s best to discuss what is going to happen further in advance and then once again right before the transition, giving them more time to adjust. Give any information that your child may need to understand what needs to happen. “I’m starting to get hungry, so I’m ready to leave soon.”  You might also use a timer as a visual and auditory reminder of how much time remains. (More on foreshadowing and teaching the concept of time).

You can speak at a level just above your child’s ability.  If she is stringing 2 words together, limit your information to short sentences with 3-4 words, with pauses to allow her to process the information. With a pre-verbal child, use non-verbal cues (e.g., rubbing your tummy) at the same time. 

2. Empathize—listen to, reflect, and understand your child’s concerns

Empathy connects you with your child’s feelings and needs, helping him feel understood, supported, and connected. First understand what he wants and needs; then offer empathy.  Reflect back what you hear him feeling or saying, using his words and tone. “You want to keep playing and it makes you mad that it’s almost time to stop!” Acknowledge his feelings without lecturing, judging, or trying to convince him otherwise. (Empathy is different than convincing—look out for the word “but”).

For empathy to be received, there has to be understanding and acceptance of where the other person is in the moment. Empathy means acknowledging that you support his needs and emotions, without implying that you will “fix” the situation or give up your own needs. It is a powerful tool for moving through conflict because it maintains the connection, and as you hear your child’s needs, your child learns to hear yours. Imagine your relationship with your child as a telephone connection and empathy is the way to clear the static on the line.

Sometimes, it is very hard to offer empathy to a child when we have strong feelings we are struggling with ourselves.  In this case, take some deep breaths, and offer yourself some empathy.  (More on empathy)

3. Set limits gently

A limit is a non-threatening statement of a personal boundary, without demands, punishment, or criticism. It communicates a person’s needs, how people or objects are to be treated, and/or the requirements of a situation. Communicate limits clearly but allow for creative options in how they are accomplished. An example of a limit might be, “I need to keep you safe,” or “It’s time to leave now.”

If a child is hurting someone, damaging something, or is in danger, set physical limits in addition to your verbal boundaries. Keep your voice calm and respectful. For example, gently stop the hand that is starting to tear the page out of the book or that is reaching out to hit, and calmly state your limit, “Books are for reading. If you want to tear paper, I’ll find you some drawing paper,” or “Hitting hurts. I won’t let you hit.” Give information about expected behavior and let the child practice making a better choice. “That block is for building,” or “Climbing on the counter is not safe.” Some children feel more comfortable with a direct instruction or suggestion, “Put the block on top of the other blocks,” or “Please get down from the counter now.”

Phrase your communication in the positive rather than the negative by telling your child what you want her to do, instead of what you want her to stop doing. “Please sit down in the chair,” presents clear expectations while “Don’t stand up in your chair,” is confusing to children, who have difficulty understanding negative sentences.

Only ask questions to which you can accept the answer. Broad questions leave open-ended actions that defeat the purpose of limits. If you ask, “Are you ready to put away your toys?”, or “It’s time to pick up the toys, OK?” you leave it open for your child to say “No.” You asked and she was truthful so what do you do now? Take a short break and phrase your limit as a statement, this time using more clearly defined parameters, “I want the toys picked up before we leave.”

Limits can also be collaborative. Over time we want our children to be able to set their own limits, so we can begin by making them a part of setting limits. “How many times do you want to kick the soccer ball before we leave?” When you take into account your child’s concerns you teach your child the value of listening to others.

Sometimes children will react to limits with strong emotions.  A child doesn’t have to agree that the limit is valid—he should be allowed to feel angry or sad that life is not going the way he expects.

4. Present Choices or Brainstorm a Solution

In this step, you and your child choose the “path” that will get you to your objective, and that will meet as many of the needs of both you and your child in the process.  Giving children some ownership of the solution gets much more buy-in to your limit. Empowering kids gives them an important sense of control over their environment. Giving children shared ownership of possible solutions is empowering because it is respectful, builds self-confidence, and offers experience in applying life skills. Remember that the goal is long-term problem-solving skills.

Give young toddlers limited, positive choices that are age appropriate, and, as they get older, encourage them to come up with solutions on their own before you offer yours. For younger children, limited choices are most appropriate as they are easily overwhelmed by a range of possibilities. Your choices should meet his needs as well as your own; move you toward your objective or fit within your limit; and be positive and non-threatening.    "I need you to be safe. Would you like to walk holding a hand or be carried?” For older toddlers and children, you can teach them to come up with their own suggested ideas of how to meet the objective. “How can we make going to the dentist’s office tomorrow easier?” Try to collaborate on creative solutions. “Would you like me to get a cart for you to ride in?” (More on brainstorming solutions). 

Sometimes, we need a decision quickly, or the child isn’t willing to decide.  On these occasions you might say non-threateningly, “I’m going to count to three and then you need to decide, or I will choose <one of the choices>”.  After you have said ‘three’, ask for his answer, allow a few seconds of processing time, and then proceed with your choice.

One of the most empowering solutions to conflict is to turn your objective into play. This meets the child’s need for fun and connection and diffuses tension while still meeting the objective.

Although involving children in creative solutions may take more time, your child learns to consider both sides of situations, as well as how to creatively navigate conflict in respectful ways.

5.  Follow through

Inevitably, situations arise when your child is unable or unwilling to choose acceptable choices. This may indicate that the choices are too limited or that you still need to work on truly connecting. If it seems your child lacks the resources needed to continue looking for solutions, suggest that this time you will choose. Suppose she runs off when offered a choice between holding hands or being carried. The primary objective is safety, so follow through by imposing your solution calmly, without anger, hurt, or punitive consequences. In the above example, you might say, “It seems like you are having trouble choosing. I need to keep you safe. If you’re not going to choose an option that works for both of us, I’m going to carry you,” and gently scoop your child up.

No matter how carefully and thoughtfully we parent, there are likely to be times when frustration, anger, or fear moves us to take actions we later regret. Apologize to your child, explain that you were upset, and that you would like to try again. “I felt scared when you ran across the street.  I’m sorry I yelled at you, will you forgive me?” Empower your child by modeling healthy interactions.

6. More Empathy

Empathy is so important. Often it needs to be repeated again in a similar manner to step 4, especially if you have had to choose the solution, or the choice the child made didn’t go the way she liked. 

If you find it difficult to be empathic when your child is acting up, remember that empathy is a form of love and love isn’t conditional. Each time you model empathic behavior you demonstrate the power of love and understanding in the world.  

Lastly, don’t forget to offer yourself empathy—parenting can be a challenge and we all make mistakes that we can learn from.  Parenting is one of the most powerful ways to learn more about ourselves each day, as we get to know our children and discover who they are.

Conflict of one sort or another is part of life. Be patient with yourself as you go through this process. Just as being respectful and understanding with your children helps them learn for the future, being understanding and kind to yourself helps you parent more effectively next time.

Lisa Stroyan