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Welcome to the first Empathic Discipline e-newsletter! I’m planning to start sending these out regularly to share interesting resources, parenting thoughts, and to keep you updated on happenings and events. FOOD FOR THOUGHT - “Reflections” Last week, my son went to school with a tuft of hair sticking straight out. Though I did make an attempt to convince him to wet it down, I was proud of myself for stepping back, and yes, shutting up when he said matter-of-factly, “It just doesn’t matter, mom”. (Though I can’t say I would have been so accepting if I had had to walk him into the school instead of using the dropoff lane!). But it was hard to let go! This made me wonder why, since I believe so much in his autonomy, would I care *so* much about a decision that doesn’t involve me? On the flip side, last year he brought home a cute pottery picture frame with (apparently) a self-portrait in it. I dutifully examined and commented on it, and asked when he had made it. “A couple months ago,” he said. “It was in the school art show in the mall and we just got them back.” !!! “And you didn’t tell me?” I responded. Now, one of the school newsletters had mentioned that it was rare to have your child’s art in the mall, and it might never happen or only happen once during the child’s tenure, so not to worry. So I was rather disappointed not to have known about this landmark accomplishment until after the fact! “I didn’t even get to take pictures!” I lamented. (That was my biggest disappointment). He then made a comment which really struck me. He said, “But mom, why would you need a picture? You get to keep the real thing.” The truth is, the actual picture frame didn’t strike me as extraordinary before I knew about the art fair placement. His comment made me realize that part of me valued the accolades even more than the actual accomplishment; and that somehow, a part of me still believes that he is a reflection of me and my value. I doubt I’ll ever be able to completely quiet that part of me that wants to take credit for (or is afraid of being judged by) whom my child is. I’m not sure I want to entirely. In fact, I am proud of the influence I have had on the person he is becoming. (Ironically, I did end up taking pride in the fact that I hadn’t passed down my need for external validation, as shown by the lack of importance he placed on this accomplishment!). Instead, I hope it is enough to simply notice this tendency; to become the observer that gently helps me remember to step back and let him be himself. After all, he is “the real thing” and that is what is most important! PARENTING TOOL – “Assuming Positive Intent” “Assuming Positive Intent” is a tool which is often talked about in the discipline groups I belong to. What does it really mean? On one level, it means to assume that a child doesn’t have a malicious or other negative reason for her behavior, and reframing our thoughts to assume a new, positive, reason for the behavior. For example, a young toddler that hits another toddler may just be trying to figure out how to interact and get the attention of the other child; it’s unlikely that the intent was to hurt. We might catch ourselves thinking, “hitting is not nice!” and instead reframe to, “Were you trying to get Hanna’s attention? Would you like to…..” However, there are some behaviors that it is hard to find a positive intent behind. What about the child that repeatedly uses aggression to get the toy that he wants? Or, what is the positive intent behind a child that looks at you with a smirk and throws something on the floor? I believe this tool can be used in these cases as well. I like to see this tool taken to another level. One way to do this is not to assume intent at all. Much of young children’s inappropriate behavior is intent-less – they simple lack the impulse control to stop themselves when faced with a situation to which they can’t come up with an appropriate response. Even if they want to behave appropriately, it’s hard to do so in the heat of the moment. I assume that everyone is doing the best they can in any particular moment. The tool helps me remember not to assign a negative intent as I gently help the stop their inappropriate behavior. Then, I look for the needs and feelings behind the misbehavior – because I believe if these can be addressed, the misbehavior will no longer be needed by the child, over time. For example, the child that uses aggression to get toys from other children may be feeling overwhelmed, or insecure about the ownership of the toys. He may need ways to calm himself, or help using words, or perhaps an environment that sets him up to share more easily. The child that tries to push mom’s buttons by throwing something of hers on the floor might be feeling hurt or punished, or simply very misunderstood. Or she might be feeling that she doesn’t have any power or control. She might need more connection (sometimes a hug diffuses situations like this quickly), or more respect for her input into decisions. Or, she might need to see that mom can handle her actions without anger and losing control, which is scary for a child. I invite you to play with this concept the next time you have a conflict with your child. Give yourself permission to experiment a little with letting go of judgments and intents, and to jump straight to helping and reconnecting, and see where it leads you! BOOK REVIEW: “The Sensory Sensitive Child” “The Sensory Sensitive Child : Practical Solutions for Out-of-Bounds Behavior”, by Karen A Smith and Karen R. Gouze, takes a refreshing, practical, and positive look at children who have sensory issues, from minor to major. I appreciate that the authors shy away from labeling children, and instead suggest a variety of helpful techniques for children anywhere on the spectrum. Any parent who is struggling inordinately with dressing, teeth brushing, aggressive behaviors, etc, should read this book to find out if there is a sensory component to the problem. Since my son has never had a diagnosis, I didn’t start reading up on sensory issues until recently, so I can’t compare it to other books, but I may not need to – this book is quite comprehensive, ranging from not-too-technical descriptions of the brain functions involved in dysfunction sensory integration, to signs of issues at various ages in various categories, to very practical and positive suggestions for addressing them. I’m very impressed with this book. Here’s a quote: “We believe that most uncooperative children don’t want to cause trouble. They want to succeed, but for reasons little understood by them or by the adults around them, they frequently fail….This way of thinking requires that we move away from diagnostic oversimplification toward a more complex understanding of why some children behave as they do. It requires that we move beyond punitive parenting practices to a more empathic, respectful approach to child rearing based on the belief that children do well if they can.” You can find this book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/006052717X/empathicparen-20
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CONTENTS Food for thought: “Reflections” Parenting Tool: “Assuming Positive Intent” Book Review: “The Sensory Sensitive Child”
Announcements/Local Events Administrivia
ANNOUNCEMENTS & LOCAL EVENTS I’ll be presenting two sessions on Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen in October and November, in Fort Collins, CO. This will be an interactive program designed to motivate you and provide tools to make “playful parenting” a part of your everyday parenting techniques, and to bring more connection to your relationship with your child. You may come to either session or both. October 19th – Overview and Playful Parenting techniques; RSVP by October 12th. November 16th – Playful Parenting and Connection; RSVP by November 10th. Cost: $5 for Mothers’ Center members; $7 non-members. Childcare is available for an additional fee; sign-up one week in advance. Sessions take place at the Mother’s Center, 1200 South Taft Hill Rd, Fort Collins, CO. ADMINISTRIVIA Feedback is appreciated! I’d love to hear how you're using the parenting ideas and articles you see here, as well as any suggestions you have for improving this newsletter, my website, or my services. |
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By Lisa Stroyan |
