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FOOD FOR THOUGHT - “Experts” A mother recently called me for help – she was desperately trying various techniques that others around her had suggested to deal with an inappropriate (but developmentally normal) behavior. She then called back with an update. “We’ve stopped doing X”, she said. “We thought about what you said about it being shaming, and it never did feel right to us. We decided from now on we are only listening to you.” Although this was said tongue-in-cheek, it raised ambivalent feelings in me. Do I want to be “the expert’? I was of course happy that I had helped her, and I do have so many self-doubts that it is a nice boost to my self-confidence. However, in many ways I don’t want to be seen as the expert. Particularly, because that implies that parents should look elsewhere for their answers, namely, to me. To me, the true learning for this mother is “it didn’t feel right to us”. I’m a big proponent of parenting resources, support groups, and discipline books (and might even write one someday). However, I dislike the attitude our society approaches them with; the reverence that we give to them. I prefer to use parenting resources as a challenge to my thinking; for idea generation; and yes, sometimes as validation. I do struggle to not allow them to be my source of wisdom, or my judge. As hard it is to actually practice, my source of wisdom needs to be myself – my trust that I am capable of finding the “right” answer for our family; that I am capable of restoring relationships when I inevitably falter and misstep. More to the point, I want to help others find this same trust in themselves – rather than in a philosophy, a method, a book, or a person. Trust in one’s self is not developed quickly. But isn’t the journey itself worthwhile? PARENTING TOOL – “Disconnecting the buttons” Many a parent has discovered that rather than constantly redirecting her toddler or saying not to touch a device, it is much easier to simply make the device childproof – either make it inaccessible, or simply unplug it, so that pushing the buttons has no effect. Then the toddler’s interest quickly wears off. The toddler is trying to figure out what effect his actions have on the physical world around him. As our children grow, their focus turns to relationships, and in their experimentation, they may start pushing our emotional buttons, rather than the ones on the VCR. A child’s quest to find out the impact and control they have over their world is a very healthy desire. However, being able to control a parent’s emotions, though interesting from an experimental standpoint, is scary and can lead to an unhealthy dynamic. So, I would like to propose that instead of trying to force our children to stop this experimentation, we begin to “disconnect” or “rewire” our buttons, an analogy suggested by a friend of mine. Instead of reacting with anger or frustration, we can choose a new reaction – for example, being playful, being a broken record, or walking away for a few deep breaths to regroup. Of course, this isn’t nearly as easy as it sounds. It can be very hard not to react, especially if it is a patterned response over many years. Yet – if we expect our children to control their reactions, shouldn’t we expect that from ourselves? Isn’t this something important to practice and model? And as we know, children give us plenty of times to practice! This month, consider identifying a couple of “buttons” that your child pushes, and see if you can “rewire” your responses to something creative. For a great list of ideas of alternative tools, check out this list by Stephanie Nakhleh: www.empathic-Parenting/index_list.htm BOOK REVIEW – “Playful Parenting” by Lawrence Cohen Often when we think of “play”, we think of activities that are less valuable than “work”; activities that are somehow less “real” and inferior. This book flips those ideas on their head, showing us a new view of play. It shows how play can be incredibly helpful in connecting and communicating with our children, resolving behavior issues, and increasing their self-confidence. If you haven’t yet read this book, you are missing out! It’s one of my top two favorite parenting books. It’s not a “how to” manual, though it does provide some pointers. Instead, it invites thought and creativity in our relationships. You can find this book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0345442865/empathicparen-20 ADMINISTRIVIA Feedback is appreciated! I’d love to hear how you're using the parenting ideas and articles you see here, as well as any suggestions you have for improving this newsletter, my website, or my services. You may email this newsletter to others provided you include the information below. If you would like to duplicate an article in a printed publication (parent group, church, school newsletter), please let me know! To get on my mailing list, send an email to EmpathicDiscipline-announce-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You will get this newsletter as well as some local announcements, but the traffic is very low. Your address will never be shared. LINKS AND RESOURCES My website: http://www.empathic-Parenting.com/ My booklist: http://www.empathic-Parenting.com/index_books.htm A collection of articles, some written by me, as well as my favorites by others: http://www.empathic-Parenting.com/index_articles.htm Copyright 2004, Lisa Stroyan, Empathic Discipline |
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CONTENTS Quote of the Month Food for Thought Parenting Tool Book Review – Playful Parenting Announcements Local Events Links and Resources Administrivia
QUOTE OF THE MONTH "Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space lies our freedom and power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and freedom." — Victor Frankl
ANNOUNCEMENTS & LOCAL EVENTS Individual Parenting Facilitation and Support by Phone I now provide individual empathic parenting and discipline support for parents by phone. Sessions provide a source of understanding and support; an opportunity for learning and expanding on solutions, strategies, and discipline tools; and insights into parenting challenges and issues. My introductory rate, through the end of the year, is $15 / 30 minute session or $25 / one-hour session (this includes preparation time and follow-up). Please contact me for more details. Parenting Perspectives Hour Presentations I’ll be presenting two sessions on Playful Parenting, by Lawrence Cohen in October and November, in Fort Collins, CO. This will be an interactive program designed to motivate you and provide tools to make “playful parenting” a part of your everyday parenting techniques, and to bring more connection to your relationship with your child. You may come to either session or both. October 19th – Overview and Playful Parenting techniques; RSVP right away. November 16th – Playful Parenting and Connection; RSVP by November 10th. Cost: $5 for Mothers’ Center members; $7 non-members. Childcare is available for an additional fee; sign-up one week in advance. Sessions take place at the Mother’s Center, 1200 South Taft Hill Rd, Fort Collins, CO.
Natural Child Project: www.naturalchild.org Playful Parenting: www.playfulparenting.com
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By Lisa Stroyan |
