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Happy Spring!! I apologize for not sending out a newsletter recently…time does go by fast! Please feel free to share this newsletter with others. (Just include the copyright info at end). FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Are consequences helpful, or hurtful? One of the big buzzwords these days is “consequences”, which is almost always used to describe something the parent decides will be imposed on the child. (Natural consequences are something that happen without any interference, so if you are trying to create one, by definition it’s not natural). I tend to have a very negative view toward the use of consequences, because most often, they are turned into punishments for past behavior, rather than a solution or improvement for the next instance of the problem. However, I still want to talk about them because they come up so frequently. First, I believe children (all people) are doing the best they can in that moment, and that when behavior issues come up, there is something going on underneath. What is the child looking for; what is does he need that he is not getting? So my first approach is always to work on fixing the underlying need that prompted the behavior. Yet, often in these situations, many parents feel that some sort of consequence is warranted as well. If this feeling persists (because often it is a simple gut instinct to get retribution that will pass with further thought and lots of deep breathing), it might be our signal that something is “off” in how we are responding to the situation. If we are going to reach for a consequence, it’s important to come up with ones that help solve the problem, rather than making it worse with punishments in disguise. Lastly, I believe consequences should not be used as threats or intimidation, or they also lose their effectiveness – which comes from filling the hole rather than making the child suffer. Recently I answered a question about what the consequences should be for a teenager who had a problem with stealing and it got me thinking. I personally got caught shoplifting in high school. Why did I do it? I think I felt like everyone else got to have cool things and I didn't. My family didn't believe in (or afford) lots of material things and I still have "hording" mentality because of that. What I stole was makeup. I was not allowed to wear makeup to school and my friends were. I so, so, so desperately wanted to fit in. Plus, I think I was looking to be *seen*. I wanted to not always be seen as, and pressured to be, "the good child". I had 3 younger siblings that I often cared for, sometimes for days at a time. It was too much and I think acting out was my way of pushing against this. I wasn't really seen for what I *did* do - it was just expected. The parole officer made me write an essay on why I did it or something like that. I don't remember what I wrote but I do remember that writing the essay was really a powerful "consequence" because it made me think. Having things taken away or being grounded wouldn't have done this, it would have made it worse - I would have felt more misunderstood and been much more angry. Putting it back on me made it so I really couldn't blame anyone else for anything. This child’s reasons were likely very different. Perhaps he is feeling disconnected from family and pulled toward friends that are a bad influence; in that case, the parent might want to restrict his ability to see those friends, but get him involved in the family and community. Distancing him from the family by disallowing family activities would increase the problem. Similarly with his restricting access to prized possessions – if TV and video games are part of the problem, it might make sense to either restrict those, or participate in them (which might be considered a worse “punishment” by the child!) However, if he is feeling like he is misunderstood, not cared for, unloved, and unlovable, than removing his comforts is also making the problem worse. One of my main suggestions was to reconnect and have fun as a family - perhaps including some community service so he can (1) see others as people, not "them/big business/etc", and (2) feel good about something he can do to help, rather than bad and angry. If the parent feels compelled to find a “consequence”, punish him by making him play monopoly or something - I'm sure at this age he'd complain just as much :) If we are committed to using consequences, they should improve the child’s chances of success, not decrease them. Something that makes a child think but actually makes them feel better about themselves and more empowered to fix the problem is much more educational in the long run than suffering. And if the primary goal is suffering, is that something we really want to model? For another article about shifting from consequences (in this case, in a school setting), I enjoyed Jane Nelsen’s article here: http://tinyurl.com/652qh ARTICLE REVIEW—”Parental Anger” Usually I write a book review here, but for the sake of space and time, this time you get an article. The following was on my webpage at one time, and then the link broke. I was re-reading it and was struck by how powerful it is. If you get angry with your children on a regular basis (doesn’t this describe all of us), check out this article to be mindful of the underlying fears that may lie underneath: http://www.mothering.com/articles/growing_child/discipline/parental_anger.html
ADMINISTRIVIA Feedback is appreciated! I’d love to hear how you're using the parenting ideas and articles you see here, as well as any suggestions you have for improving this newsletter, my website, or my services. You may email this newsletter to other individuals as long as you include the entire newsletter. If you would like to duplicate an article in a printed publication (parent group, church, school newsletter), please let me know! To contact me, send me email. Or visit my website. To get on my mailing list, send an email to EmpathicDiscipline-announce-subscribe@yahoogroups.com. You will get this newsletter as well as some local announcements, but the traffic is very low. Your address will never be shared. |
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Empathic Parenting E-Newsletter, Issue 6, Spring 2007, Lisa Stroyan
LINKS
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“You cannot simultaneously feel bad about what you have done and focus on what you must do differently.” — Becky Bailey
ANNOUNCEMENTS New Bulletin Board!! A group of friends and I have created a bulletin board to respectfully Talk About Empathic Parenting. Please come check it out! New Bookstore!! I now have an Amazon “bookstore” up and running. You can access it through my website at: www.empathic-Parenting.com/books If you have books you would like to see listed, please email me the title, author, and category. (Please note that the “related items” are chosen by Amazon, not by me).…sometimes they are good, sometimes not. Free Coaching Session I offer a free ½ hour introductory session to give clients an idea of what my coaching is all about whether we would be a good fit. Usually we explore your values and parenting goals, so that we have a solid base that we can work from in the future. Even if you choose not to continue with coaching or phone support, having a sense of your values and goals can be very empowering and help you see where you want to go next. If you are curious about how coaching can help you parent more effectively and joyfully, I’d be happy to send you a file of information on my coaching services and / or schedule an introductory session. Cost per session (includes preparation time and email follow-up) is a self-chosen sliding scale fee of $25-$40. EVENTS Speaking and Workshops – If you are looking for a speaker or someone to lead a workshop or break-out session, I have several prepared presentations and workshops I can facilitate, or I can customize something specifically for your organization. Classes - Currently, I am mainly facilitating classes for groups that are willing to help with organization (location, finding participants, etc). If you are interested in organizing a class, you need a minimum of 8 individuals or 5 couples that are committed and willing to pay in advance. However, if you are interested in a class but don’t want to organize a group class, let me know and I can see if you can join another group class at some point. Classes are listed on my website, and can be customized to meet the needs of the particular group.
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By Lisa Stroyan |